Today is Brittany (my birth daughter’s) fifteenth birthday. It is a sad and heartbreaking day for me because I miss and love her so very much. I have not seen her in almost fourteen years. I sit typing this in tears wondering why I can’t see or talk to her and her adoptive parents. I am no longer angry at them for not letting me a part of their lives, I am just heartbroken and saddened by it.  Despite the pain and heartbreak, I am so glad to know she is alive and I feel in my heart that she is happy and is having a good life. Like any mother, I would be saddened if this was not the truth, but I feel in my heart that she is doing fine.

 

Dear Brittany,

happy 15th birthday. I can’t believe that my oldest “baby” (I know you probably do not like being referred to as a baby), is fifteen years old now. I hope you have a great birthday and that it is as wonderful as you are. I hope you have a great celebration (or already have had one). I hope if you do not know already that in the future you will know that you are adopted.  I also hope you know that I wanted you when I was pregnant with you, after you were born, and I still want to be part of your life. I know I am not mom to you, and never will be, and I do not want that (though I did want to be your mom and raise you, but for whatever reason, it was not in the plan for our lives). I do not want to take the place of your mom, I know you have a great mom. I just want to be a part of your life.  I  keep a journal for you that I have for many years. I always write in it a special birthday message. It is in storage right now, because your biological stepdad, your biological half-sister, Hannah, and I are staying temporarily with your biological stepdads family for a little while. We are all doing good. He works full-time at a store. I am over halfway done with getting my Masters Degree in Management.  I got my Bachelor’s Degree in Criminal Justice last year. Michaela is staying with your biological paternal grandma  (long story), but she is doing good also. Hannah is in kindergarten and is doing well. I hope you are doing well also.  I love you very much Brittany and miss you a lot too. I can not wait for the day when we can hopefully reunite. I hope to see your adoptive parents again also.  I hope you have a great birthday and that the weather is not too bad there in Colorado.

Love, your birthmother,

Alicia