As a lot of my friends and family know, my firstborn daughter was adopted by her foster parents which made me her birth mother. It is not something I asked for or something I wanted, it is just part of life.  I went through a stage of grief and loss and still to this day, it hurts. There are days when it hurts more than others like her birthday, Birth Mother’s day, Mother’s day, and the holidays. I miss her a lot and will always love her.  It definetly does not help that her adoptive parents do not send me any pictures of her or any updates on her life and how she is doing. That is their decision and there is nothing I can do about it.

I think about her every day also.  I wonder how she is doing, what her interests are, how she is doing in school, what her plans are for the future, if she knows she is adopted, and if she does, does she ask about me and wonder about me.  I also pray for  her every time I pray, that she and her adoptive family are having a good life and that Iget to be a part of their lives someday.

I wanted so much to raise her fom the time I was pregnant with her till she was adopted. The realization after the adoption was final that she would never legally be  my daughter and I would not be raising her was something I slowly started to grasp. Then it became as it is now, I just want to be a part of her life.

Just like any heartbreaking part of life, and like probably any person, the pain from not knowing her and being a part of her life, has me want to hide under a rock and away from the world and act like this pain is not happening to me. I cannot do that and it would do not any good anyway. I just live my life the best that I can and hopefully she will be proud of me and that one day we will get to know each other.

I think about finding her when she is eighteen years old in about 2 1/2 years. Hopefully, her adoptive parents will not fight it. I want to get to know them too and be a part of their lives also. I am no longer angry at them, I am hurt that I do not know how Brittany and they are doing. When I  hopefully get to see them in the future, I will not know what to say to them but hopefully that day will come and the right words will come to me.

Until then, I will keep writing in the journal I have for Brittany and keep the photo album I have for her going.  I will also continue to pray for her and her family and try to patiently (though it is very hard) wait for the day we are reunited.